Are your dealbreakers sabotaging your love life? | Amy Chan

Modern dating suffers from a "relationship recession" driven by the brain's negativity bias, a culture of constant flaw-hunting, and the superficial nature of dating apps. These forces lead people to over-optimize for "shiny" qualities—such as physical appearance or status—that fail to predict long-term relationship stability. Research on 11,000 couples confirms that lasting love relies instead on "quiet" qualities, including commitment, appreciation, and effective conflict resolution. To overcome these barriers, individuals should cultivate awe to prime the brain for connection, distinguish between genuine dealbreakers and mere preferences, and remain open to partners who fall outside their initial "type." Amy Chan’s own experience illustrates that snap judgments based on curated photos can obscure the most supportive, healthy partnerships, like the one she found with her partner, Paul, who prioritizes small, consistent acts of care over performative gestures.