In raising my three kids I think a lot about how to cultivate independence. I want them to grow into people who can handle unfamiliar situations, including interacting with strangers as needed, and I think this has been going well: people often comment on how competent and self-sufficient they are for their age (though I think they're still not that far along the spectrum compared to what's possible or historically normal).

In supporting this growth, sometimes they're strongly motivated to do something by themselves, and all I need to do is figure out the minimum they need from me. Which might be nothing! Other times, however, I'll give a small push.

This weekend I brought them along to Mentone AL where Kingfisher was playing for contras. Dinner was in the dining hall, and for dessert they served peach cobbler with ice cream; Nora (5y) asked if I would get her some. I don't like to set artificial hurdles for them, but I'm also not going to pass up a good natural one and she was clearly going to be highly motivated by the goal. With an older child I would have considered saying if they wanted [...]

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First published:
August 17th, 2026

Source:
https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/2RPwucNrMTKxiB5wp/natural-independence-incentives

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Narrated by TYPE III AUDIO.

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Images from the article:

People serving ice cream at Camp Desoto buffet table.

Girl eating dessert at a table in busy hall.

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“Natural Independence Incentives” by jefftk

LessWrong (30+ Karma)

“Natural Independence Incentives” by jefftk