What kind of self-talk can best help us achieve our goals?

When we run into challenges, the voice inside our heads can be harsh and critical. Kristin Neff, Associate Professor in Human Development at the University of Texas, Austin, explains that this kind of self-talk does us more harm than good. What works instead, she says, is to speak to ourselves as we would to a close friend -- with kindness and understanding.

Kristin is the author of the book, Self-compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. She is a pioneer in the research on self-compassion and first established it as a field of study almost a decade ago. She also makes it clear that we shouldn’t confuse self-compassion with self-pity or lowering our expectations. Instead, we should see it as a strategy that’s been proven effective for achieving our goals.

In this interview we discuss:

The important differences between sympathy, empathy and compassion
How compassion shifts our response from understanding how someone feels -- being empathetic -- to taking action by providing care and support
The important role mindfulness plays in allowing us to remain open to ourselves and others when difficult feelings arise
The ways self-compassion gives us permission to be kind to ourselves and to show support and understanding, while recognizing our struggles are part of the human condition
How self-compassion differs from self-pity and emotional self-indulgence
Why self-compassion is more helpful than self-judgment or self-criticism as it allows us to view mistakes and failure as part of the learning process
How asking ourselves, what would you say to a good friend in this situation, can shift our perspective from one of harshness and judgment to compassion
The importance of recognizing that being human means we are imperfect, we will make mistakes, and difficult things will happen to us and to others -- that we are not alone
How our self-talk - the kinds of things we say to ourselves, our inner voice - should be that of a supportive, caring friend rather than a harsh critic
The importance of having our own back -- of having an inner ally -- and how that gives us the strength to cope with difficult things in life
How veterans’ level of self-compassion was more predictive of whether or not they developed PTSD than how much combat they’d seen
Why the advantage of self-compassion over self-esteem is that it is not dependent on our success or what others think of us
How self-compassion gives us the freedom to cultivate a learning mindset because it frees us up to make mistakes and try again
How self-compassion allows us to accepts ourselves without being complacent
How “the texture of wisdom is gratitude”

Links to Episode Topics

@self_compassion

Kristin Neff’s website

Emiliana Simon-Thomas

The Greater Good Science Center

CM 111: Kristin Neff on Self-Talk for Challenging Times

Curious Minds at Work

CM 111: Kristin Neff on Self-Talk for Challenging Times