Every time I see someone mention statistics on nonconsent kink online, someone else is surprised by how common it is. So let's start with some statistics from Lehmiller[1]: roughly two thirds of women and half of men have some fantasy of being raped. A lot of these are more of a rapeplay fantasy than an actual rape fantasy, but for purposes of this post we don’t need to get into those particular weeds. The important point is: the appeal of nonconsent is the baseline, not the exception, especially for women.

But this post isn’t really about rape fantasies. I claim that the preference for nonconsent typically runs a lot deeper than a sex fantasy, mostly showing up in ways less extreme and emotionally loaded. I also claim that “deep nonconsent preference”, specifically among women, is the main thing driving the apparent “weirdness” of dating/mating practices compared to other human matching practices (like e.g. employer/employee matching).

Let's go through a few examples, to illustrate what I mean by “deep nonconsent preference”, specifically for (typical) women.

Generalizing just a little bit beyond rape fantasies: AFAICT, being verbally asked for consent is super-duper a turn off for most women. Same with having [...]

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Outline:

(01:57) Alternative Hypotheses

(03:10) Hypothesis: Being Asked Out Is A Turn Off

(05:19) Subtle Signals and Blindspots

(08:44) ... But Then Reality Hits Back

(10:31) The Weirdness of Dating/Mating

The original text contained 2 footnotes which were omitted from this narration.

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First published:
January 2nd, 2026

Source:
https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/e4TyoEfTeW7FFcwYy/the-weirdness-of-dating-mating-deep-nonconsent-preference

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Narrated by TYPE III AUDIO.

“The Weirdness of Dating/Mating: Deep Nonconsent Preference” by johnswentworth

LessWrong (30+ Karma)