In this conversation with Dr. Kristin Neff, Associate Professor of Educational Psychology at the University of Texas and the pioneering researcher who introduced self-compassion into modern psychology, we explore why self-esteem is a fair-weather friend while self-compassion provides steady support through challenge and failure. Dr. Neff shares how her early mindfulness practice reshaped her own relationship with shame, and how research now shows that self-criticism keeps the body’s threat system active while compassion engages the brain’s caregiving network—reducing cortisol, inflammation, and emotional reactivity.

Together we examine the three pillars of self-compassion—mindfulness, common humanity, and kindness—and how these transform both personal healing and co-regulation. You’ll learn about the concept of backdraft (why opening to care can surface old pain), the difference between tender and fierce compassion, and why caring for yourself actually strengthens motivation and performance.

If you’ve ever felt that being softer might make you weaker, this episode offers a science-based reframe: self-compassion is strength regulated.

Timestamps:

00:00 Why self-compassion matters in trauma healing
05:10 Self-compassion vs. self-esteem: stable worth vs. comparison
12:30 Three components: mindfulness, common humanity, kindness
20:45 Threat vs. care systems; shame, rumination, regulation
29:00 “Backdraft” and pacing: minimum-effective-dose practices
37:20 Tender & fierce self-compassion: soothing + boundaries
46:15 Motivation myths: keeping your edge without self-attack
55:00 Post-traumatic growth, wisdom, and everyday practices

Key Takeaways:

Self-esteem is contingent; self-compassion is unconditional. Worth isn’t earned—it’s acknowledged, especially when things go wrong.
Three pillars: notice suffering (mindfulness), remember you’re not alone (common humanity), respond with support (kindness).

Threat vs. care: self-criticism can keep the threat system active; compassion practices can engage caregiving circuits and support regulation.
Expect “backdraft.” Opening to care may surface old pain—go slow, titrate, choose tools that feel safe for your system.
Compassion supports performance. Less shame → better learning, repair, and values-aligned motivation.

Resources Mentioned:

Self-Compassion (book) - Kristin Neff
Fierce Self-Compassion (book) - Kristin Neff
Neurosomatic Intelligence Coaching Certification - NeurosomaticIntelligence.com
BrainBased community - BrainBased.com

Call to Action:

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Healing starts with integration—when your brain and body begin working together, real regulation becomes possible.

Disclaimer:

Trauma Rewired podcast is intended to educate and inform but does not constitute medical, psychological or other professional advice or services. Always consult a qualified medical professional about your specific circumstances before making any decisions based on what you hear. We share our experiences, explore trauma, physical reactions, mental health and disease. If you become distressed by our content, please stop listening and seek professional support when needed. Do not continue to listen if the conversations are having a negative

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We invite guests onto the podcast. Please note that we don’t verify the accuracy of their statements. Our organization does not endorse third-party content and the views of our guests do not necessarily represent the views of our organization. We talk about general neuro-science and nervous system health, but you are unique. These are conversations for a wide audience. They are general recommendations and you are always advised to seek personal care for your unique outputs, trauma and needs.

We are not doctors or licensed medical professionals. We are certified neuro-somatic practitioners and nervous system health/embodiment coaches. We are not your doctor or medical professional and do not know you and your unique nervous system. This podcast is not a replacement for working with a professional. The BrainBased.com site and RewireTrial.com is a membership site for general nervous system health, somatic processing and stress processing. It is not a substitute for medical care or the appropriate solution for anyone in mental health crisis.

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Self Compassion and How The Science of Kindness Changes Your Brain

Trauma Rewired